The Strap Cards
by Raeror
Summary: Podcast AU. A parody of The Bodega Boys Podcast featuring Desus Nice and The Kid Mero


"So, let me get this straight." Yuma Tsukumo poured himself a bowl of cereal. "You're some kind of alien from another world, and I'm the only person that can see you?"

"It would appear that way." Astral floated in the air, trying to touch the milk going into Yuma's bowl.

"Don't touch my milk damn it!" Yuma quickly pulled it back. "Did you even wash your hands?"

"I don't need to wash my hands squirt. I don't get sick." Yuma's sister Kari came into the kitchen, nonchalantly grabbing an apple and biting into it. "Aren't you normally gone by now? When does that little gig of yours start?"

Yuma checked the clock. 9:30. "Crap, I got half an hour!"

After ferociously munching down on his breakfast, Yuma hopped into his 2013 F-150 and started driving down the road.

Astral couldn't help but be curious at the frantic creature before him. "Where are you going in such a rush?"

"Every week I do a podcast with my friends Shark and Kite." Yuma explained. "And I'm not trying to be late and hold them back! It's unprofessional."

"I'm not sure what a podcast is, I'm quite certain the milk stain on your shirt is unprofessional as well," Astral observed.

"Well then it's a good thing the audience won't be seeing me, just listening to my suave vo- OH FUCK!" Yuma hit the brakes as he came inches from hitting a car in front of him. "Jesus fuck Astral. I gotta focus when I'm driving. However, it would be nice if not EVERY SINGLE LIGHT IN SAN JOSE WENT RED WHEN IM TRYING THE GET SOMEWHERE!"

Making it to the studio with mere minutes in spare. "Hey guys! What did I miss?"

"Nothing man, you alright." Shark was wearing a purple shirt and some gray sweatpants, already through half a bag of Doritos. "Aye Kite! Yuma here now!"

"Good. Good." Kite came from the coffee room, downing an expresso. "Morning boys, Let's get this thing going. Orbital 7, the audio ready?"

A metallic thumbs up from the back gave him an answer.

"Do me a favor a keep quiet while this is all goin' on, okay?" Yuma whispered to Astral. "Just sit back and watch the magic."

"Alright everyone." Kite said down as the trio got ready. "In 3...2..1..."

[Interview sound effects start playing. Camera shutters and general murmurs]

Kite: Good afternoon everyone. I suppose you are all wondering why I, Seto Kaiba, called this meeting. Well as today is my birthday, I decided to give myself a little present this year. I have had my team of scientists re-engineer Dino **_DNA_** , and they created three Blue-Eyes White Dragons. As we speak, they are being held at various locations of the world and will be released on my signal. Are there any questions?

Yuma: Mr. Kaiba! Mr. Kaiba! Are the Blue Eyes Dragons a threat to humans?

Kite: Security, please remove that simpleton from the room.

Yuma: Mr. Kaiba! Please! Please! Please! Jus- let me go! Lemme go! MR KAIBAAAAAAAAAAA-

Kite: Listen you media vultures, you are going to treat these majestic creatures with the respect they deserve. Blue. -. Eyes. White. Dragons. You come at me you better come correct. Got that?

Shark: Of course Mr. Kaiba. Are the Blue-Eyes White Dragons dangerous to humans?

Kite: They have been designed to not be predatory to humans, and only attack when threatened. However, if y'all got pets out here, ya might wanna keep them inside for the next couple days. I'm basically only announcing this as a global warning. So make sure to tell ya third cousin Billy who ain't watching this right now because he ain't got cable, to keep the moonshine and the Lee-Enfield locked in the closet. I'ma just say this right now, anyone that tries to fuck with a Blue-Eyes White Dragon, y'all gonna get fucked up. Ya'll don't want no smoke with them. They might rampage, destroy some property, but that's better than losing ya life. So fuck off and leave them be. Any more questions jerkoffs?

Shark: Uh, yes Mr. Kaiba. Are the Blue-Eyes White Dragons capable of procreation?

Kite: Yes, they are capable- of reproduction. There are two females and one male. However, when one of the females becomes pregnant, I will activate a self-destruction switch which will kill the male, as I cannot allow more than 3 Blue-Eyes White Dragons to exist.

Shark: Turn Blue-Eyes into Exploder Dragon. Damn my guy.

Kite: Now all of you can get the FUCK outta here! Going back to playing Fortnite and dabbing on motherfuckers. Happy Birthday to me.

* * *

 ** _Live From Heartland Studios, San Jose_**

Yuma: What up everybody! It's ya man Zokoyuma!

Kite: This is Seto Kiteba

Shark: And I'm Sharkful Dodger.

Yuma: And we, are The Strap Cards. That was a very special intro for the patron saint of Duel Monsters and the greatest man that ever lived, Seto Kaiba! Happy Birthday, Seto! October 25th!

Kite: So how old is Seto Kaiba now?

Shark: He is up there now. like... Jesus

Yuma: Google says he 75

Shark: Holy fuck. 75 years old. What is the latest picture of Kaiba that's out there? Like how is he aging?

Kite: You know, he probably got enough money to reverse the aging process. Like Seto Kaiba cured age.

Yuma: Like Kaiba got old one day and decided "Fuck it, I'm tired of being old", goes in the lab, comes out a month later and he's like biologically 18 again.

Shark: Seto looks himself down and goes "Oh my Hip ain't worn down no more, my back pain gone, my dick work again, let's geddit."

Kite: Imagine being like some 23 years old at the club and Seto Kaiba, whose supposed to be 70-fucking 5, pulls up on you looking like he _just_ came from high school graduation, and offers you a drink.

Yuma: "But you're old enough to be my grandaddy!" "Well I'ma just be yo Daddy tonight and we gonna have a grand old time, how about that?"

Shark: Do you guys think its actually possible to reverse aging? Like go back decades in biology?

Kite: I mean, anything is possible in my opinion.

Yuma: Like, when it comes to humans making progress with anything in life, what you really need is the time to get it done, the research to make it possible, and the money to keep everything possible. Like you need all of them things to get real shit done. They all rely on each other to keep the process going.

Kite: And everyone's problem is they can never get all three. Like if you don't have the time to do it, it won't get done, if you don't have the research, it won't be possible in your lifetime. And if you don't have the money, you can't fund any projects.

Shark: And then there's Seto fucking Kaiba. A literal cheat code.

Yuma: Exactly.

Kite: How much money do you think Seto Kaiba has?

Shark: He's got buy the world money. Literally buy the world. Everything and everyone on it.

Yuma: I'm not gonna argue that. Imagine Seto Kaiba buying the world. He become ya landlord.

Shark: Ey man, where's the rent?

Kite: You two weeks past due my guy! This is ya last warning! What's going on? Where's my money?

Yuma: Like Kaiba evicts you from your apartment. You're looking for some alley on the street to process what's going on and rest your nerves and he goes "Hey! That's my property too motherfucker!"

Shark: Mr. Kaiba please, let me just sleep between the dumpsters! I don't have anything to give you! I got laid off last month and I couldn't find a job-

Kite: "I don't care! Get the fuck outta here! Leave or I'm calling the police!"

Yuma: So if you're Seto Kaiba, how do you spend your birthdays? I mean he brought world peace, solved world hunger, fixed climate change, like he has made the world a fucking utopia compared to how it used to be. Like the world is probably right now, the closest it will ever be to being perfect. How could he possibly flex harder than what he's already done? What could he possibly do to top himself?

Shark: He's gonna have to colonize other planets.

Yuma: Nothing else he can do on Earth?

Shark: Nothing short of turning humans to mind-controlled meat androids that follow commands of pure benevolence. Mars is a blank slate right now. Like it ain't got shit on it. If Seto Kaiba goes to Mars and makes it possible for sustainable human life for generations to come, that could be his best achievement ever.

Kite: Do you think he could buy Mars?

Shark: No question. Absolutely could.

Yuma: How much money does it take to buy Mars?

Shark: Whatever it is Kaiba has it. Like, you could take every person that's ever lived or died up to the point in time, add them up, multiply that number by itself, and that would be a fraction of the money Kaiba has. Like, they had to invent a new term just to describe his wealth: Kaibillionaire.

Kite: Do you think he could colonize Jupiter? Or create a planet the size of Jupiter of an actual rock and colonize that? Could he rearrange the entire solar system?

Shark: Maybe? I wouldn't say anything is impossible for him, to be honest.

Yuma: I like if we were talking about any other person, all this shit would seem ridiculous, but it Seto Kaiba, so we are all legitimately sitting here like 'Could he? If he really wanted to?'

Kite: Shout out to Seto Kaiba for taking over the world and not enslaving humanity.

Shark: But you are a slave. To you almighty dollar. And who controls the dollar? Seto Kaiba.

Yuma: Shout out to Seto Kaiba for corporatizing slavery.

Kite: Shout out to Seto Kaiba for gentrifying slavery. All I'm saying is, is that I watch Roots a couple of years ago and it wasn't, it wasn't a fun ride. I'll take gentrified slavery over whatever inspired Amazing Grace my guy.

Yuma: Watch that we're giving Seto all this respect for what he's done, but right now he's managing some gladiator Duel Monsters death league.

Kite: That's the real reason he goes to Mars. Invent a new penalty game. Duel on mars and every time you take damage, you lose oxygen.

Shark: In space, no one can hear you activate my trap card.

Yuma: I think we better change the subject before Kaiba send people after us. If this is our last show, you guys know why. Kaiba's shooters got to us.

Shark: Do you guys actually think Kaiba could take over the world as in a global military invasion.

Kite: Depends. Who knows what? Like, are the governments seeing Kaiba coming? Is Kaiba seeing the government coming? I personally believe multiple governments have agents inside KaibaCorp. For the sole purpose of killing him should the need arise. Like, I cannot believe all these governments of the world aren't keeping tabs on Seto a little.

Shark: Yeah, yeah. That's a fair point.

Yuma: The only person that can fight Seto Kaiba one on one is mi abuela.

Kite: You grandmother! Haven't seen her in a while. She probably would fight Kaiba. How is she?

Yuma: She's alright. She's alright. I'm doing my best to pop in an out. Help when I can, but don't stay too long. Mi abuela, she can, she can bet pretty problematic.

Shark: she's from a different time Kite. Let's just say she is not a fan of the LGBTQ community.

Yuma: No shit she ain't! Just last week I was cleaning out her garage, and one of her buckets fell and smacked me in the face. And I went to her and said "Abuela, my mouth hurts." and she went "You know why your mouth hurts? FROM SUCKING ALL THAT DICK!" and I went "ABUELA! POR FAVOR!"

Kite: You better stop getting messy on the podcast my guy. She hear what you talking about here, gonna pull up with la chancla. She Just bust in here, smacking that bigass head of yours like WHAP!

Yuma: AH! ABULEA! DETENTE POR FAVOR!

Kite: SILENCIO! NINO ESTUPIDO!

Shark: She gonna show up with chanclas for each of us! Be like Oprah. "And you get a chancla! And you get a chancla! Everyone gets a clancla!"

Yuma: Get that extra strength steel toed chancla she keep at the back of the closet.

Kite: How else was she gonna get you outta there?

Yuma: You making jokes but there's a reason this room got 3 doors. One of them handles start jiggling real fast and I'm out my guy.

Yuma: Also, if abuela star chasing us and someone get left behind, its gonna be Shark.

Shark: Wait why me?

Kite and Yuma: Because you run the slowest!

Shark: Okay, fuck that! I'm snitching if I get caught she gonna give me some tea before i send her out to yall lil hidey spots.

Yuma: I'm just saying I don't want no smoke with abeula. I mean I'll say hi to her, get her groceries. I'm still out here trying to get toppy on the daily tho. She blames Kari for me being bi

Kite: Wait, why?

Yuma: Because Kari had so many guys always around. Mi abeula is like "AYE! PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT! THIS AINT A SPRINT ITS A MARATHON! STOP BROWSING THE BUFFET! ESTA CHICA ES LOCAS!"

Shark: You should have done what I did fam.

Kite: What, be white?

Shark: I mean, yeah, but you also should have just whithered their expectations early on. I mean, i never had girls really around me, like ever. See what happens when you keep tori around as ya side piece. Give abuela hope

Yuma: You know, you're right. i and i hate to admit that, because she acts so much happier when Tori is around me.

Shark: You keep giving her hope man! Play your cards right!

Yuma: She keeps thinking tori and i are made for each other and I'm like ...ehhhhhhhhh.

Kite: She's like the Jason Terry of relationships. A solid hand, but not franchise player material.

Yuma: Exactly! Shout out to Jason Terry! Most 3-points in history.

Shark: Jason Tori

Yuma: Tori, i know your listening, and you know i love you. just dont be mad if you get traded.

Kite: For Kawhi Leonard.

Shark: Oh my god you just did not.

Yuma: Shout out to the raptors. Not giving a single fuck. They don't care what they gotta do, or who they gotta do it to. They trying to win now.

Yuma: The Raptors acing like they just ended a long-term relationship and got their mojo back _snaps fingers._

Shark: Well they did. they ended the relationship of being swept by that terrible no good LeBron in the playoffs.

Yuma: Shark, you ain't gonna talk about my president like that. He just opened up a school in Akron. He ain't even gonna be in the MFer no more and he still making Cleaveland better. I salute you sir.

Shark: Well. you know you on a list now, right?

Kite: Trump's people to deport list.

Kite: Like trump just scribbling Yuma's name down under PP-2-DPRT under Lebron, the golden state warring ors, and rosie o donatello.

Shark: well Yuma, its been nice knowing you. Like at this point you might as well start packing now. I mean one look at you and you getting thrown back over the wall. I mean you got the dark skin, the Eddie Guererro Latino Heat flaming pants, the jarritos in the car. Like you done. ICE already on their way. I'm pretty sure they pulling up in the parking lot RN.

Yuma: Well if I'm going out. I AINT GOING BY MYSELF! COME GET KITE TOO! HE DOMINICAN! JUST LIGHT SKINNED

Kite: HIJA DEL PUTA!

Yuma: HE JUST SPOKE SPANISH! HE SLIPPED UP!

Kite: OH FUCK! I FUCKED UP

Shark: The door handle starts jiggling. All of us leave just get up and run for one of the other doors.

Kite: I tell Hart to get out of our ride here and meet us at Yuma's car. We all running down the stairs. I tell Orbital 7 to slow them down.

Yuma: "Guys, my F-150 right outside the door, come on!"

Shark: "Fuck it! Get in get in get in! Do they know we in the truck? Oh fuck! They came out of the other side of the building! Yuma, let's go!"

Kite: Hart and I are in the back, I'm trying to calm him down.

Shark: "OH SHIT HE GOT A GUN! GET DOWN!"

Yuma: All of us are ducking as bullets hit the car, we careen out of the parking lot.

Shark: "Wait a sec, why the fuck am I here? They want _y'all_ not me?"

Yuma: "Ain't you aiding and abetting my guy?"

Shark: "Shit, you right. What the fuck we gonna do now?"

Yuma: "I'll try to lose them."

Shark: "I can see them in the mirror man, go faster!"

Shark: Like we spend an hour and a half driving through San Jose trying to lose ICE. Which shouldn't be a problem because ice don't last long in San Jose during the summer.

Shark: I'm over here getting my 'my dad's a lawyer' speech ready.

Kite: I'm trying to prove I don't speak Spanish at all.

Kite: Hart in the back with me crying, because he dont wanna get put in the cage and sent to Ecuador or some shit.

Yuma: I'm trying to drive with one hand and shave my head with other and go 'eyy man. I'm just trying to bring grunge down south! Seattle sound forever bro!"

Shark: We get to a stop light, Yuma and I swap seats.

Yuma: "Yo, watch ya feet."

Shark: "I got it I got it." I see ICE about to get behind us.

Shark: "I pull off to a taco bell at the intersection."

Yuma: "What are doing? You trying to get us caught?"

Shark: "No Mexicans go there for Mexican food! It's stoner food. You said it yourself!"

Kite: "Yeah my guy, but its ICE! So in their mind it is like 'AHA! They're trying to get one last snack in before we ship 'em out! Step on it Johnson, we got them red-handed!'"

Yuma: It's still breakfast tho, so when we get pulled over, they only see us eating Cinnabon delights and mountain dew kickstarts.

Yuma: Before they leave, they give us one last test.

Yuma: They start playing mariachi music.

Shark: "What the fuck is this?"

Yuma: "Just stay still and eat food guys."

Kite: I'm trying to eat my food as loud as I can so they don't think I care at all.

Yuma: Kite start singing to it a little.

Kite: _whispers_ "La cucaracha, la cucaracha Ya no puede caminar..."

Yuma: "YO WHAT THE FUCK!"

Kite: I stomp on his toes, but they are glaring _daggers_ at him _._

Shark: I'm going through all the songs in the song in the car, looking for the whitest one.

Yuma: "I got a playlist just for this."

Shark: "Where?"

Yuma: "I call it The Trump Card. Find it, fast."

Shark: I find it and hit play.

Yuma: It starts playing Eat It.

Shark: By Weird Al?

Yuma: Yep!

Shark: Holy shit I'm dying.

Kite: "Yo that's my jam! Turn that shit up!"

Yuma: We blast it on max. The cops keep glaring at us, but they get in their cars and drive off.

Kite: "Ay dios mio."

Kite: Hart and I have a long talk on the way back on keeping his cool.

Yuma: "We almost got deported because of you Hart. Just follow our leads and shut up! Think I shat myself Jesus Christ!"

Shark: "Where y'all wanna celebrate? Mexican place down the street."

Yuma: I see the ICE car on the other side of the street.

Yuma: "Just pulls up at dairy queen. I need a fucking Blizzard."

Yuma: I'm just glad we have a plan for when this happens.

Shark: Oh its gonna happen. you just better hope we save you in time

Kite: And its definitely going to happen. Because you stand out so much. First of all, your name is Yuma, and that already sounds like some Mayan and Aztec shit.

Shark: Ain't that a city in Arizona or someplace? Yuma?

Yuma: Yeah it is. I think we talk about it before.

Kite: Like I can't imagine how many of your resumes were shredded in seconds

Shark: And then you have this other motherfucker right here. Like his name is Kite. fucking Kite my guy. what's whiter than Kite flying? That's like Brady brunch 70s daffodils blowing in the summer breeze bullshit.

Yuma: Sounds like something Michael Jackson would call one of his kids. "This is Paris, Prince, Blanket, and my other son, Kite!"

Shark: "Why the fuck you name ya kid Kite Michael?

Yuma: "That's ignorant! You're being ignorant!"

Kite: So the guy legally called Reginald wants to talk names?

Yuma: NOOOOOOOO! HE DIDN'T JUST!

Shark: Oh you son of a bitch! YA DIRTY!

Kite: Reginald Kastle everybody! He sounds like the mascot doing a White Castle ad. You got no room to talk!

Shark: my middle name is Nash! Soon or later, I'm gonna legally make it my first name. One of these fucking days Kite."

Yuma: Can't change the birth certificate tho.

Kite: Or the job application.

Yuma: Wait, is Reginald on your job application. Is that the name on your contract?

Kite: We gotta check once this is over.

Shark: Absolutely fucking not.

Yuma: What was your first jobs anyway? I mean like not dueling related.

Shark: Oh. I wanted to be the mascot for the San Jose Sharks. Like, ever since i was 14.

Kite: Like, did you want to be the guy in the SJ Sharkie costume? Or just, actual you be the new mascot?

Shark: I wanted to be SJ Sharkie.

Kite: K. All I'm saying is that you're a top duelist these days. You got some pull.

Shark: Trust me, I'm working on it. Anyways, back to the story.

Shark: So every year i kept sending these long letters, begging to be SJ Sharkie. So when I was 18, one month before the season started, I get a call from someone from the Sharkie saying 'Yeah, you got the job.' And that was the year we got to the Stanley Cup.

Yuma: F

Kite: FUCK SHITSBURG

Shark: FUCK YOU CROSBY YOU RUINED MY DREAMS!

Shark: So for the season and especially the playoffs I was just fucking ecstatic. If I didn't get do much into dueling, I would have been a hockey player, I love hockey so much. So this run was a dream for me. Until we lost the finals. and bruh, i got so depressed, like I must have went blackout drunk. Because the last thing i remember is game 6 and my memory comes back like... I don't even fucking remember.

Yuma: Yeah you told us about this before, i think it was like 3 days you dont remember shit

Kite: I remember you was like mad crying and drunk texting me.

Yuma: Let's be honest, we all were

Kite: I think you fucked up the mascot costume, and that's why you got fired.

Shark: I'm not gonna deny that, I don't remember any of it I was so fucking drunk.

Yuma: To anyone that works for the Sharks, please let us know why Shark got fired. And If he has Reginal on his job application.

Shark: This has been another episode of The Strap Cards. I'm Shark.

Kite: It's the main man Kite!

Yuma: And I'm..."

Yuma looked up at the ghostly figure moving above and below the ceiling.

Yuma: "Astral?"

Shark: Thank you all for listening, see you all next week.

The recording session ended there.

"Astral... I kinda like it." Shark said as he stood up stretching.

Both Yuma and Astral looked at Kite in shock. They could see the being looming above them? Before Yuma could respond, Kite chimed in.

"You was saving that nickname for last, Yuma? Shit, now I gotta make up one. Ehh, it's whatever. I like it too."

"Y'all wanna get Little Caesars from around the corner?" Shark asked.

"I wish, but I gotta plane to catch," Kite responded.

"Oh, where you going?"

"Canada. I gotta do a little meet and greet thing at Duel Academy. I'll hit you guys up when I land."

"Alright." A couple of high-5s later, and Kite and Orbital was out the door.

"I mean I ain't really got nothing to do," Yuma said. "Wanna get a slice and do some tag dueling online."

Shark cracked his knuckles. "Sure, let's do it."

As Shark and Yuma got into their cars, Astral made some notes. "Humans are very spontaneous and interesting creatures."


End file.
